Want to witness an instant classic by visiting “Elm Street” at the movies? Save your money – the only deed worth doing at this new flick is falling asleep, hoping you live to see the credits.

A remake of the 1984 slasher classic – which originally starred Robert Englund and was directed by Wes Craven – the new “A Nightmare on Elm Street” is now playing in theaters everywhere. Amazing, right? Unfortunately, the movie is a total fiasco.

You would think Michael Bay producing a Freddy Krueger flick would be an easy blockbuster.

But for a film with so much potential, the new “Nightmare” deserves minimal applause.

The dialogue was cliché and repetitive. The new screen writers seem to have come from daytime television soap operas rather than a genuine list of professionals.

Krueger had too many boring one-liners. “You really shouldn’t fall asleep in class” and “Tag, you’re it” were about as creative as the script got.

Other dialogue was the same – tedious and boring. They often stated the obvious, such as: “If you die in your dreams, you die for real.” Come on. Do better.

The dream sequences were not scary and they were short, not bringing a single signature and slash-filled moment to this version.

There wasn’t enough blood and gore – and sorry, the film also had no nudity. What was the director, Samuel Bayer, scared of? Bayer could’ve gotten his hands dirty for this remake, but he didn’t.

One of the lead writers, it seems like, was selected merely for the similarity of his name to the original writer, Wes Craven. Think: Wesley Strick vs. Wes Craven. Real genius!

Jackie Earle Haley was not evil. For his attempted re-characterization of classic villain Freddy Krueger, Haley may deserve a little respect only because he didn’t try and mimic his predecessor (Englund). Other than this, Haley was a foolish choice for the slasher industry’s equivalent of “Dirty Harry.”

Haley didn’t portray a diabolical enough character, one who could come back from the dead, haunting the neighborhood. He didn’t seem like a pedophile, nor did he convey the inescapable insanity of Krueger’s fear.

The movie tried to use “jump scenes” to build suspense. But it failed. The idea of falling asleep and dying in your dreams should have been the premise.

And Freddy’s face wasn’t Freddy anymore. Remember his eerie eyes and the devilish smirk that Freddy taunted his prey with? That no longer existed in this drab remake. Instead, Freddy resembled a Siamese cat (or perhaps a troll doll from the ’90s).

Not a romp, not a thrill ride, and definitely not a worthy addition, this remake will never be a classic.

Grade: D-