Read this next sentence aloud: “Definition of Comedy: Presenting arguments of a highly ironic and satirical nature while remaining fastidious to one’s principles is meant to amuse, not offend.”

Have no idea what came out of your own mouth just now? Congratulations, you’re probably already a Dane Cook fan. Even better, you just missed the entire thesis of this article. You’re two for two! It’s ok, you’re probably still smarter than Dane Cook.

Dane Cook sucks. By sucks, I mean he’s terrible. And by terrible, I mean “there is no God” terrible. This man alone is so devoid of any talent that he causes devout believers to weep at the absence of a higher lord, knowing full well the raging hellfire of the underworld pales in comparison to Cook’s irrelevant and forgettable comedy.

To begin an analytical critique, I figured a good place to start would be the debate over whether or not he’s a joke thief. Many people (comedians included) have accused Cook of stealing jokes from Louis C.K. and other famous comics.

For example, in 2001, C.K. did a joke about how he saw a lady opening her car door as a bicyclist was riding by. C.K. joked: “I didn’t know what to do; I was like ‘AHHH!’ I wanted to yell something but what do you yell? I’m trying to choose the thing to yell that will have all the information he needs. It was happening so fast, I had like that much time…what can I yell in that much time? ‘HEYALOOOPENAH!’ So I just yelled ‘Bad thing!'”. In 2005, Cook did a similar joke about how he saw a man about to get hit by a car. He goes on: “As the car was coming towards him, I reached out and I said ‘Oooooh!’ That’s all I could think of to say. There’s so many things now in retrospect I…I’d love to have been like ‘You’re about to get struck by a vehicle!’ I did not have time to say that.” Whether or not you believe this example (one of many) is actual plagiarism, you can see that even if the jokes are not stolen they’re certainly unoriginal.

Next up on my list (titled “Please dear sweet Jesus, Allah, Shiva, whatever’s up there, let me convince these people Dane Cook is a hack”) is the idea of staying power or relevance in comedy. Great comedians use their comedy as a vessel to make observations about the world around them and enact social change. Richard Pryor was famous for his risqué observations of race and custom. George Carlin became famous for his dark humor involving subjects normally regarded as untouchable. His “Seven Dirty Words” routine was a beautiful examination of the censorship and the English language.

Now, I’m not sure what the future holds, but it remains to be seen if jokes about girls winning arguments in relationships (oh man, that Cook is original!), how saying “gesundheit” is hailing Hitler (ahahaha how funny right? Germans are all Nazis. So fresh!), Windex bottles (ghosts come out of them if you don’t line up the spray caps? Wow, what a totally relevant observation, and not some stupid interchangeable joke!), and Burger King (thE b.k. loUnge L0LZ oMg I <3 Co0k!!!!!!!!) will have the staying power of Pryor and Carlin. I certainly hope not; we have enough nonsense and advertising around us without a world-famous comic spouting the same irrelevant tripe.

Comedic analysis aside, he’s loud, obnoxious, pretentious, and not funny. Forgive me these transgressions all you Cook fans out there, but I’ve never really gotten into the “fratboy with attitude” vibe. Furthermore, while telling a joke or story, he goes off on about four different tangents that have nothing to do with the story itself.

He considers himself important enough to invent the “superfinger”; his own version of the well-known middle finger; an invention unworthy of recognition and completely lacking in artistic merit or importance. And has anyone besides me noticed that many times, instead of making punch lines, he makes funny faces and gesticulates wildly?

Girls only like him because he’s fairly good-looking, and I think guys like him because he gives them material to use on said girls at intellect-devoid frat parties and score. It’s a win-win situation for degenerates everywhere.

Now, due to length constraints, I’ll leave you with this quote instead of continuing. If you like Dane Cook, I suggest you think about this the next time you’re watching one of his comedy specials.

“Good comedy helps people know they’re not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.”
– Bill Hicks